Partly sparked by finally working out how to reply to a friends entry from months ago I've come up with some sort of postable comment on the whole parenthood and pregnancy thing as it relates to here and now for me!
I'd always assumed I'd have kids, I never thought it would be this late in life, when we got together I knew DH was hugely keen on the concept of kids but...
First we weren't even in the same city (I moved into his house in London and he started working in Edinburgh!), then after 18 months I trashed mum's car into a tree and spent the next five years either having surgery, recovering from surgery or waiting for surgery on my leg. Then once we got that stable and decided to be serious about trying other things got in the way. Like not problems gettting pregnant but problems staying pregnant beyond eight weeks.
In early October last year I had a whole battery of tests run by the hospital to see what was going on and DH had bloods done to check for chromosonal problems. In January I got to see the consultant for the results and basically it comes down to who knows what was going on. Which was sort of the worst possible scenario - go away and try again and hopefully we'll see you in antenatal clinic.
So then I'm faced with do I actually want to try again? Can I put myself through that? What if it all goes wrong again - and don't tell me it won't - I can understand the statistics intellectually but emotionally? Forget it!
The short end to this is that I'm now pregnant - have got to 16 weeks so am beginning to belive it will actually result in a baby! But that's just opened the whole "do I really want to" can of worms! Generally, the answer is yes. But sometimes the depression takes over and goes "shit, what the hell have we done here".
Having had my third scan on Monday last week, which DH came to with me, I'm really beginning to believe in baby. The US was just awesome. I hadn't realised how much detail is visible at 14 weeks - somehow even more amazing than feet was individual bones in the spine. I'm not bothered about knowing which sex which is a good thing as our local hospital have a policy not to tell you.
So far everything looks good and the consultant doesn't seem unduly worried by my history of pulmonary embolism but it's written in my antenatal notes where everyone will see it just in case. Estimated due date - 28 April 2006. If it comes six days early it'll be on our wedding anniversary!
And in a classic case of coincidence one of my younger sisters is also pregnant and due on 22 May.